Friday, October 3, 2008

Safe...


Little One

You came into my life only a few short weeks ago.
I prayed for you from the moment I suspected you existed.
So many others have prayed and done battle for you.
I hope you know that you have changed me...forever.
I lay awake at night thinking, worrying, dreaming and praying for you and for all those who's lives you touched and changed.
I hope you know that you were truly loved here on earth.
I hope you know you WERE chosen, first by God...and by so many who wish it had been their choice. I wish you had been my choice.

My head knew a week ago that it was likely your time here on earth would be short....far, far too short...but my heart never really gave up.
I had a dream about your mommy Tuesday night...she told me "you were fine"...I was so happy to hear that in the dream, but I was still so worried about your mommy.

By the time I had my dream, you really were fine....safe in the hands of Jesus for a full day.
I know that you are happy and safe in Heaven, I believe I will get to meet you there one day...
But right now, my heart grieves and aches as if you truly were my own.

I am a little taken back by the strength of this grief...I hope you know that you are grieved and that although your mommy is happy to "be back to normal" after the "surgery", she just does not fully understand. I worry about your mommy and I will do my best to be there for her and to watch over her. 
To help her start making really good choices.
I hope you know that I miss you very much, and I grieve what could have been for you.

Your introduction to my life has been one of the toughest experiences of my life and certainly the toughest of my job...but even in the pain, I am so glad you and your mommy came into my life.
You were a blessing "Little Baby C"


7 comments:

Shaun and Holly said...

...tears are a language of their own...

We grieve with you my friend.
Lots of love.

Mona said...

I am so sorry to hear the news
My heart aches, my eyes filled with tears but my heart rejoices knowing Jesus is rocking Baby C lovingly in His arms.
God Bless you Baby C
We love you.

Rhonda said...

Jen...God has placed you where he needed you to be. Where he needed a Mom to offer advice, to listen, to offer nurture and understanding. He knew you would pray and...love. Bless you as you 'monitor' the students. You bring His love and justice to your position. You walk in the school's authority and His authority. That is so awesome.

And Monday...He sends another one of 'us' into another part of the school. Ted will be in the Tech Dept. Soon we'll have the whole place covered. It's great to be a part of His strategies. :)

I love that you were able to join me. :)

Jen said...

Thanks so much my friends...I've needed you to pray and to battle with me, over this situation and over so many more.
I have been overwhelmed with the need lately, (and some of the stupidity, I might add!)
I am very aware right now, that I cannot do this, I need HIM to do it all through me.
Yesterday, I was completely undone...funny thing is I thought I'd be OK, I didn't react when she told me, or when i let Rhonda in on it...but when I got home alone....the water falls would not stop...It's still hard, but I went to bed just after 8:00 and although my sleep was fitful at times...I feel quite a bit better.

I've wondered if I got "too close", but how do you not?
I can't love her the way Christ would without getting close.
I wondered if I should learn to "compartmentalize" school issues when I leave...that might feel better, but probably not healthy.
I wondered if i should just "let Baby C go", I think my grief is part of that...but I also think every person deserves to be grieved when they leave this earth, Baby C needed to be grieved too.

Again, thank you all, for warring and loving along side me, I so appreciate not feeling alone and knowing that you are right there in the school Rhonda to share some of these things, is so helpful.

I have had a few REALLY tough weeks, but I I do know this is where God wants me and as hard as it has been lately, I wouldn't trade it.

Julie said...

How terribly heartbreaking. We can take comfort in the fact that there is no better place to be than in Jesus' arms. I am so sorry this happened.

Rhonda said...

Jen - It's wonderful that God has given you such a big heart. I certainly understand your grieving.

Just remember:

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12 (NIV)

Love ya!

Rhonda

Tamatha said...

Wow...that's hard. I'm tearing up too. And praying for you in your job.