Saturday, September 22, 2007

Reality Check

How real do I want to be? How brutally honest? Hmmmm...

There is a war raging inside of me. You see, I am a person who has always hated being defined by what is obvious. By the outward appearance, titles, positions, what I Do vs. who I am. I have been uncomfortable with people's perceptions of who I am when they have not taken the time to dig a little deeper and get to know me. Get to know what makes me tick, what makes me laugh, get angry, or cry...who I am on the inside.
As time has passed, I have discovered who God says I am, and have embraced His Word about me and have learned to put less weight in who others think I am...whether or not they have invested in the digging.
Truthfully, I KNOW who I am in Him, I really do. I fully embrace that picture, at least to the extent that my earthly knowledge understands and my Spirit has received.

So, how is it, with this precious truth so deep within me, can I be questioning who I am? Not in a "mid-life crisis" sort of way....(though I hold dearly to the scripture that says my youth will be renewed like the Eagles!), but in the very way that I have detested being evaluated by others over the years.

When God asked me to lay down my "English Immersion Daycare", a year and a half ago. I never would have thought I would be facing this....certainly not STILL.
I was never career driven. Though I was an 'A' student, I went into banking after highschool because it would not require the investment of a lot of schooling when I knew that my heart's desire was to get married and have kids. A career for me, was something that would pay the bills and keep me busy until I could stay home with my babies...period.

So, many years later, I am living out my dream.

Daycare originally started as a means to fullfill that developed into something very special and very close to my heart, when all my children began to come from Chinese homes.
As I taught them English...and how to have fun without mommy or grandma in toe...I built relationship with some very special families.
Yes it was difficult to lay that aside, but I would not for a moment have thought that I defined myself by what I was doing at that time.

I have come to the stark realization that I have indeed done just that. I missed the children and have taken care of various ones from time to time when a parent was in need. That has only served to prove to me that my time has indeed passed for that period in my life, the grace has lifted to do it on a daily basis.
Yet, there is this internal struggle that surfaced last Sept. and again now. A struggle that goes against all that I know or would counsel another on....a struggle of not being able to define myself clearly....because my "job description" is no longer clear.

It makes no sense at all to me, yet here I am.

I am a wife, mother...(I have joked , that I am the full time chauffeur to my children), I am an elder's wife, I lead intercession, I am a school volunteer and now I am heading up a dream ministry and most recently, I am legally 50% owner of Piers Group Financial inc. According to the bank, I am a "Director" of that business. It all sounds so important on paper...but who am I kidding? Really they are all simply titles. (please know that if I died tomorrow, and it could be said that I was a good mother, wife and child of God...I would have no regrets. In the 'grand scheme' I am's the day to day that raises questions)

Am I busy? Yes. Though these are all things I do, they somehow don't define who I am....I suppose that is good, still, there is this nagging question....who am I really?
I know I have stepped far too close to the brink, when I repeatedly entertain the idea of getting a job...not because I need to help pay the bills, certainly not because my plate is not already overflowing.
So why would I entertain that idea? Could the truth lie in having a concrete answer to the continuously asked question..."So, what do you do?"

At this point in my personal reality check, I realize that adding another job description to my name is not the answer...He is.
So, I press in a little deeper, and put this struggle on paper so that I can face the reality of where I am at, and know that one day, He will have sorted this all out for me...or it simply won't matter anymore.
Maybe a cup of tea will get me through until then!!!!

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

On the UP SIDE.....

So, Being the natural optimist that I am prone to be, I have come up with some very positive things that are due to this football injury.
My Disclaimer is that I in no way would wish this on my child, but hey! There has to be a silver lining right!?!?!
OK, so the dust has settled I did manage about 5 1/2 hrs sleep last night and here is the verdict on Jonathan's social life.
Job.....basically over for the year.
Upside....the lap top he was saving for has recently been ordered and Jonathan's last paycheck will cover that!
School...he can't take notes right now, BUT the teachers will provide him with notes....AND that means they will be complete and far neater than if done by Jonathan's hand!
Music.....teacher figures he will be able to adjust...eventually.
Football.....the culprit of this injury....Go Figure! He made the first cuts in spite of his injury and his coach said that he will make the final cuts as well...I guess they are hoping for a speedy recovery and some help in the games a little later.
So, Jonathan is getting to know the whole school one enquiry at a time and I doubt he is minding any of it....especially any pity that might be earned from the female persuasion!
For me, the MAJOR UPSIDE to all of this is one bottom line......
My "running around schedule" for Jonathan has decreased SIGNIFICANTLY...
AND.......I now have a babysitter reinstated at my beck and call VS me being at HIS beck and call!!!!
See! God really does turn what the enemy intended for evil
and works it together for MY good!!!!!

Officially....It's a Break

So, here is the update on Johnny Boy
Pictures are worth a thousand words....especially at 11:15 pm.
Six writing, HELLO First day of school! Did he plan this?
No football.... maybe he could be the water boy!
Last year, his music teacher switched Jonathan from Sax to drums because of Orthodontics.....Drums....hmmmm, don't think so.
Oh! then there is his job at the pro and lifting heavy bags of golf Clubs....not gonna happen!
He is not in pain, so this is VERY good
I hope the rest of the year is far less exciting!

First Day of School...Tea Time...& Football injury

We had an absolutely wonderful summer vacation....(I refuse to claim summer as over just yet...only the vacation).

We have shopped, prepared back packs, picked outfits and packed lunches all in anticipation of today...the First Day of School.

I had my apprehensions as this day approached and knew a few of my friends had their concerns as well. Then there were those who were oh so glad to see routines return and quiet return to the home....(My husband was one...having a home office in the summer has it's challenges!)

So along with Holly, I decided to throw a "Time to Weep, Time to Laugh Tea Party". While all of our off spring were settling into their new classrooms, we drank tea (coffee for those who just don't have my appreciation for tea) from china tea cups and saucers and ate goodies while we caught up and visited.

We had lots of fun, and those of us that needed to be distracted for a little while got that chance. I only started to lose my composure when one sweet yet weepy friend gave me a hug...

I had one daughter heading off to uncharted waters called French Immersion in a brand new school....Maria LOVES her teacher, her new school, riding the bus for the first time ever and has already made new friends....WHEW! That was biggy #1!

My next concern...(not necessarily in this order), was daughter number apprehensions here were surrounding throwing a child who biologically should be in Senior Kindergarten, into full time grade 1...was she emotionally ready for this jump? Was I?

Jianna had concerns about knowing what the new routines would be....I have discovered that this little girl really likes to know what is expected of her, and her struggles come in the unknown. She too, loves her teacher, got reacquainted with old friends, and loves her now known routines! WHEW Again!

Michael...Mr. I am not too concerned about anything...I will make my teacher laugh, and HEY! I have old friends coming to school with me for the first time....What could go wrong?
Hard to get much info. from an 11 year old boy, but he is happy with everything, and taunts his sister that his school is better than her new school....we'll see how quickly this little competition escalates! Wasn't too worried here, but....all is great.

Jonathan...grade 10...couldn't wait for the first day of school...he was just glad to be with friends again...old and new.
He'd already spent a week in football training and was excited about everything including a week of tryouts. As his locker had not yet been assigned, I took him his football gear after school. He'd had a great day...had "Pizza Gallery" for lunch ( huge on his list of what makes a first day of school great)...all was great!

I went home to prepare a celebratory dinner...tacos...I was just sighing my relief as I finished catching up on every one's first day...when Jonathan walked in the door. An hour or more early....something was not right here....

Then he showed me his wrist. Immovable and heart sank.
I know how much he enjoyed football last season, he seemed to be doing well in the practices last an injury. Maybe it was just the emotion of the day, but I seem to be the only one really REALLY upset about this. I wanted to cry for him, not because he was in pain, (because as long as he didn't move it), he was doing pretty good...just for what this could mean for his season.

So, I sit here typing and praying for a miracle, while my eldest....the one I was least worried about for today...sits in emerge with his dad...I am not sure when I will know what is happening as it has not yet been 6 hrs of waiting, and this is Ontario Emergency we are talking about....(no complaints though...)

Please say a prayer for my "Not so little man", and those of you who are also ending your back-to-school day....I hope it was WONDERFUL....and UNEVENTFUL!!!!!