Saturday, September 22, 2007

Reality Check

How real do I want to be? How brutally honest? Hmmmm...

There is a war raging inside of me. You see, I am a person who has always hated being defined by what is obvious. By the outward appearance, titles, positions, what I Do vs. who I am. I have been uncomfortable with people's perceptions of who I am when they have not taken the time to dig a little deeper and get to know me. Get to know what makes me tick, what makes me laugh, get angry, or cry...who I am on the inside.
As time has passed, I have discovered who God says I am, and have embraced His Word about me and have learned to put less weight in who others think I am...whether or not they have invested in the digging.
Truthfully, I KNOW who I am in Him, I really do. I fully embrace that picture, at least to the extent that my earthly knowledge understands and my Spirit has received.

So, how is it, with this precious truth so deep within me, can I be questioning who I am? Not in a "mid-life crisis" sort of way....(though I hold dearly to the scripture that says my youth will be renewed like the Eagles!), but in the very way that I have detested being evaluated by others over the years.

When God asked me to lay down my "English Immersion Daycare", a year and a half ago. I never would have thought I would be facing this....certainly not STILL.
I was never career driven. Though I was an 'A' student, I went into banking after highschool because it would not require the investment of a lot of schooling when I knew that my heart's desire was to get married and have kids. A career for me, was something that would pay the bills and keep me busy until I could stay home with my babies...period.

So, many years later, I am living out my dream.

Daycare originally started as a means to fullfill that developed into something very special and very close to my heart, when all my children began to come from Chinese homes.
As I taught them English...and how to have fun without mommy or grandma in toe...I built relationship with some very special families.
Yes it was difficult to lay that aside, but I would not for a moment have thought that I defined myself by what I was doing at that time.

I have come to the stark realization that I have indeed done just that. I missed the children and have taken care of various ones from time to time when a parent was in need. That has only served to prove to me that my time has indeed passed for that period in my life, the grace has lifted to do it on a daily basis.
Yet, there is this internal struggle that surfaced last Sept. and again now. A struggle that goes against all that I know or would counsel another on....a struggle of not being able to define myself clearly....because my "job description" is no longer clear.

It makes no sense at all to me, yet here I am.

I am a wife, mother...(I have joked , that I am the full time chauffeur to my children), I am an elder's wife, I lead intercession, I am a school volunteer and now I am heading up a dream ministry and most recently, I am legally 50% owner of Piers Group Financial inc. According to the bank, I am a "Director" of that business. It all sounds so important on paper...but who am I kidding? Really they are all simply titles. (please know that if I died tomorrow, and it could be said that I was a good mother, wife and child of God...I would have no regrets. In the 'grand scheme' I am's the day to day that raises questions)

Am I busy? Yes. Though these are all things I do, they somehow don't define who I am....I suppose that is good, still, there is this nagging question....who am I really?
I know I have stepped far too close to the brink, when I repeatedly entertain the idea of getting a job...not because I need to help pay the bills, certainly not because my plate is not already overflowing.
So why would I entertain that idea? Could the truth lie in having a concrete answer to the continuously asked question..."So, what do you do?"

At this point in my personal reality check, I realize that adding another job description to my name is not the answer...He is.
So, I press in a little deeper, and put this struggle on paper so that I can face the reality of where I am at, and know that one day, He will have sorted this all out for me...or it simply won't matter anymore.
Maybe a cup of tea will get me through until then!!!!


Holly said...

Hugs!! This is a struggle, for me too at times. Thanks for being honest.
Love ya!

Williams Family Blog said...

I am with you on this one sister. For myself, FINALLY at the beginning of this school year I officially resigned from my last "job", one that I had not worked since I got pregnant with Kira. It was just something that I was holding onto...crazy eh?

Anonymous said...

I'm thinkin about this one. Have lots to say.......... but need time to think about it.
Great processing, and part of this stage that you are in. Don't be too hard on yourself K?!!!

Roxanne said...

I think it's actually quite healthy to be asking these questions.

redeemed diva said...

I love this post. Honest and real. And I like that. Because even though you are struggling, you keep it real. You aren't faking. But that's WHO YOU ARE. And for the record, I like who you are.

Sue @ praise & coffee said...

Being truly content in Him- what a beautiful place!