Sunday, February 19, 2012
A Relecting of the Heart
As I spent time in reflection this morning, I came across this note I had written 1 year ago...almost to the day.
So many circumstances have changed since the day this was written...and yet it mirrors my heart now as if I had just written it.
It reminds me that the seasons of our lives continue to cycle, just as the seasons in nature cycle.
Though Winter may have me once again frozen in limbo...Spring is indeed around the corner
and with Spring comes freedom.
I am sitting here tonight wondering, reflecting, thinking, praying.
My thoughts return to the end of Summer which quickly led to the beginning of Autumn.
Such an incredibly Bitter Sweet time....my heart stretched to what I thought were it's limits, as my first born spread his wings and flew so very far away.
My sadness was quickly over taken by the purest of Joys.
To watch a child...your own child, grow and flourish. To watch them as their every dream begins to evolve and to take form...to observe with such pleasure as they seem to effortlessly attract all that they ever imagined for themselves. To know that what you are witnessing is simply the beginning of the favor you prayed for over them since your were many years their junior yourself.
Fall was a difficult season, we were so busy renovating and preparing our home for the Real Estate Market, learning to live our daily lives as a family of 5.
In the midst of all that was new to me, the start up of another school year,
another son beginning High School....the return of old homework routines; there was a new heart stretching beginning.
One that involved the letting go of old dreams....and trying to imagine, to allow my heart to visualize the new dreams that were being formed within.
In the midst of the struggles, of the tearing, of the absolute insanity that became our new pace...there was hope and excitement.
Visions of all that this next, brand new chapter would mean...my own dreams began to push their way through all that was occupying my heart and my mind.
I was able to see the possibilities...the future that God had laid out not only for my family and their greater good....but for my own as well.
I was catching glimpses of the purposes, the plans and the fullfillment of dreams that were very personal to me.
Not only to me the wife or the mother but ME....the individual.
Winter brought with it many questions.
Life was not becoming what I had imagined....or at the very least, it was taking a much slower path with far more twists and turns than I had ever anticipated.
The long, dark days of winter not only brought questions but disappointment and even darkness. My whole world seemed to become something completely foreign to me.
Something I'd never dreamed or planned....something I had not chosen.
Yet, here I was....seemingly frozen in time and place just as so much of the nature that surrounds me had become frozen.
Hard decisions had to be made....some of the hardest I'd ever faced.
More stretching...only this time there was also a tearing within my heart....and eventually it broke.
Even in that place of brokenness and yes, pain...there was redemption.
A deeper level of vulnerability than I had known in decades....maybe a life time began to take the place of the hardened and protected recesses of my heart.
An unveiling of all that I truly was....
and not all of it was easy to look upon.
As I sit and contemplate tonight, I am very aware that Winter is not yet over.
Most of the questions remain unanswered.
I am still very much frozen in time....even left behind as I adjust to this incredibly foreign routine.
As my family of six is now split between two provinces with many miles and hours separating us; I am adjusting to the day to day routine of three...all girls.
From the everyday of learning to cook on a much smaller scale, to the sleeplessness that tends to come when my plate is once again overflowing with responsibility.
To parent two children as the sole caregiver of their daily needs....and two others from such a distance I do not even know their daily routines.
Of course carrying in my heart the entire time, the concerns and even worries of how all of this was impacting each of my 4 children.
Learning that yes, we are indeed stronger than we knew....
and yet so much weaker and more vulnerable all at the same time.
Week three has brought us a new level of peace in our place of uncertainty.
We are learning to enjoy life, to take advantage of the opportunities that are unique to where we are at today.
To find that balance of taking care of one another, taking care of ourselves and allowing the One who has always been there for us to care for us.
Tonight, it may very well still be Winter but as I sit surounded by darkness and contemplate where we are and where we are headed...
I hear the cool refreshing rain.
Oh there are many days of this long Winter yet to be endured and enjoyed but the rain brings with it the hope of Spring.
The HOPE of Spring.
With Spring comes color, warmth, fragrance, growth, beauty
and another season of
Oh the Possibilities...