Visions of Moldy Food Now Dance Through My Head

Although this was not a picture from my school, it is a close representation of what I discovered in many lockers over the past two days.

I got the distinct (and by 'distinct', I mean 'disgusting'), task of going through abandoned lockers.

With a brave face, trembling heart, plugged nose and latex gloves, I tackled my duties.

Picture the above photo, covered in dust, smelling of a unique and vile mixture of rotten food, BO, dirty clothes and vomit.

Now you are close to my experience. 

Mother's you know all those lunches you made and packed in Ziplock containers 4 months ago? They were all there.

Have you wondered why your child suddenly has no clothes?

They are all there.

The new runners, cleats, backpacks and winter jackets you lovingly handed out a fortune for?

All there.

There is a huge movement on right now, to keep water bottles out of landfill sights....could someone please inform the students that stockpiling them by the dozen in their locker is not really helpful?!!?!?

I even found 2 muddy lawn tractor size wheels in one locker. Huh???

Another student literally lost his marbles...a mountainous bag full...pouring out on me and the floor.

Thankfully, the dirty work is over for this year.

My sweet Jianna decided after I booked tomorrow off to go on her class trip that she would rather I "have a day to myself"...(this better not be over a boy!), so I am doing just that.

One glorious  day of almost solitude before the troops are let loose for the summer...ahhhh

I believe a good book, a walk with my puppy and yet another shower are in order.

Ooopps, I guess my day off has already started.

I believe I will start it with a very long nap!

My Handsome Men

Jonathan and Michael both graduate next year. Jon from high school, Michael into high school.

Last night we got a taste of what is to come. Jon was invited to the prom by Mara, (a sweet girl who's family we have been friends with for 10 years).

Michael was asked to do sound for the grade 8 graduation ceremony at his school.

I wouldn't be a good mama now if I didn't use this opportunity as a photo shoot, so here are my very handsome guys.

Our "Watch Dog"

Jianna spent the afternoon at a party next door....

Kallie spent the afternoon keeping an eye on Jianna.

She's such a good guard dog...now to keep her off my table!!!

The Things We Women Will Do

I was sent this today and laughed so hard I had tears streaming down my face.

I have a theory that if something actually makes me laugh right out loud....it's worth sharing.

Besides, I was at a lady's conference today, where the speaker said our homework was to make someone laugh...and to think Rhonda had me thinking I might book an appt. to have my eye brows waxed...I DON'T THINK SO!!!

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal:

the Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair,

and now ... the wax.

Read on...

My night began as any other normal weeknight.

 

Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids.

 

I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 
  
'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'

 

So I headed to the site of my demise:  the bathroom. 
  
It was one of those 'cold wax' kits.  No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. 
  
No muss, no fuss.  How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) 
  
So I pull on of the thin strips out.  Its two strips facing each other stuck together.

Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. 
  
('Cold wax,' yeah.. Right!)

 

I lay the strip across my thigh.  Hold the skin around it tight and pull.  IT WORKS! 
  
Ok, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad.  I can do this!  Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. 
  
With my next wax strip I move north.

 

After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

 

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.  Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down the inside of my butt cheek (it *was* a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself.... RRRRRRIIIIIIPPPPPP! 
  
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!!.....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!! 
  
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.  CRAP!

 

Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.  I think I may pass out ... must stay conscious ... must stay conscious. 
  
Do I hear crashing drums???? Breathe, breathe. OK, back to normal.

 

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.  I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.  I hold up the strip.  There's no hair on it.  Where is the hair???

 

WHERE IS THE WAX???? 
  
Slyly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.

 

I see the hair.  The hair that should be on the strip ... It's not!!  I touch.  I am touching wax. 
  
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

 

Then I make the next BIG mistake ... remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. 
  
Sealed shut!  My butt is sealed shut.  Sealed shut! 
  
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do next and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop.  My head may pop off!'

 

What can I do to melt the wax? 
  
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!!  I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right????  *WRONG!!!!!!!* 
  
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.   
  
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub ... in scalding hot water.

(Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.) 
  
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!!

 

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! 
  
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone.  It's a very good conversation starter 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!' 
  
There is a slight pause.

 

She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.  She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?' 
  
She's laughing out loud by now ... I can hear her.

 

I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. 
  
YEAH!!!! RIGHT!!!!  I should be the joke of someone else's night. 
  
While we go through the various solutions, I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor.  Nothing feels better than having your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!!! 
  
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. 
  
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace ... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.  What do I really have to lose at this point?  I rub some on and ... OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!! 
  
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

 

Its soooooooooo painful, but I really don't care.  'IT WORKS!!!!  It works!!!!' 
  
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.  I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair ...THE HAIR IS STILL THERE ... ALL OF IT! 
  
So I recklessly shave it off.

 

Heck, I'm numb by now.  Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point. 
  
Next week I'm going to try hair colour!

She Makes Me Laugh

We had the unexpected pleasure of taking the three younger kids to Christian Heritage Day at Ontario Place yesterday.

It was a relaxing day and the kids had lots of fun...I BAKED...as in lobsterish baked.

Actually, if you could picture a cooked lobster wearing white sun glasses...that would be me right now!

 Thankfully, I feel no pain and slept like a baby after our late night of incredible worship by "Hillsong".

It was wonderful to be in such a huge crowd of people worshipping with one spirit, though at times it could be a bit distracting...just the magnitude of it all. I sat for a while with my head on hubby's chest and closed my eyes and just soaked in the intimacy of my Jesus...To think He was that present to every single person there, (who reached out for Him), on that intimate a level all at the same time...blows my mind!

At one point, my sweet Jianna, leans over in the middle of the song on the video below and says,

"Who is Hosanna?

I thought they were singing Ho Santa at first"

I'm gonna miss these declarations of pure innocence...and the chuckles they bring me!

A Blonde Gets Pulled Over

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

You've read the joke, now here is the reality.

A Particular 40 year old blond (who shall remain nameless), who has never ever been pulled over by the police for any reason, is on her way back to work after dropping her freshly groomed puppy back at the house.

She is driving "the old van", the one that is about to lose it's transmission and has a small hole in the muffler so it's getting noisy. 

As said Blond passes a side street, she notes a police officer but is very thankful that another vehicle comes along before the police officer pulls out.

"Oh Cheeseburgers!",the second vehicle goes in the other lane leaving the police officer directly behind the blond. 

She prays that her vehicle is not so noisy as to draw the attention of the police officer, but alas, there is a red light.

The blond drives very carefully so as not to break her record of driving 20 years with out having been pulled over.

"Oh Cheeseburgers AGAIN"!!! those pretty red and blue lights go on, striking terror into the very core of the blond.

She calmly pulls on to a side street and her mind races to try and remember what it is she is supposed to have ready to show the police officer and where did her hubby tell her he put it.

(The setting would not be complete if you were not made aware of the fact that said blond happens to be decked out in "Legally Blond Pink" on this particular day)

She rifles through the glove compartment hoping whatever it is she is supposed to have ready, will miraculously appear. 

The officer appears and asks if this is her vehicle. The Blond responds that it is indeed. He asks if it is in her name....uhhhh, yes.... or.... my husband's.

Police:" When is your husband's birthday?"

Shaking flustered Blond: "October 9, 1968....oh wait, no I'm '68, he's "65"

Police: "Do you realise your sticker is out of date by 8 months?"

Blond throws her head in her hands, "Oh No! OK, what do you need to do now?"

Police: "Well, that depends on what I find out here".

Flustered Blond, (still looking for whatever it is she is supposed to give this police officer),

"Ummmm, I've never been pulled over before, can you tell me what it is I am supposed to be looking for"

Police: "you've never been pulled over? Registration and Ownership...people usually have it in the glove compartment"

(Miraculously, some young girl picks this moment to cause a disturbance in her home and said police officer gets the call.)

Blond is still rifling through the contents of glove compartment and soooo glad that she made her youngest son finally take the huge steak Knife that he'd put in there one day from cutting the bands off newspapers, back in the house.

Blond: "Ummm...What color is it?"

Police: "________, (I can't remember what he said), you've really never been pulled over before?"

Blond: "No, though I did have a car accident many years ago now"

Still not finding whatever it was she was supposed to find, blond apologizes for being such a girl.

Police; "It's OK, sometimes people forget to get these things done"

(aaaa....forgetting for 8  MONTHS?!?!?)

(radio goes again...PTL!!!)

Police: "Vehicle registration is just down here a bit, it will cost you $75.00 to renew your sticker, if I write you a ticket it would be $125.00"

Blond still shaking, but smiling because he said "IF": "So that would be on my way to and from work"

Police:"where do you work?"

Blond: "Quinte"

Police: "what time do you need to start?"

Blond: "actually now, I am returning from my lunch"

Police: "Ok, well get that taken care of"...and was gone before Anonymous blond could look in her rear view mirror....whew!!!!

Blond continued to shake for next 15 minutes, called hubby immediately about the problem, only to find out all necessary police-type papers were in another compartment all together. Hubby couldn't believe he'd forgotten the sticker on this van when the other one had been done....and Blond prayed all the way home that she would not even see a police officer.

Said van remains in driveway until further notice.